When the Tears Keep Streaming

I’ve spent the last year of my life in turmoil. The beginning stages of this disease put me in a giant blur of life. Not really aware of what was going on, confused, and numb. Then my body went into fight mode. Every other week that I was pumped full of those toxic drugs for 2 and ½ hours at a time; I would slowly recover from what felt like death. Of course I don’t really know what death feels like, but the way I felt was pretty close I am sure. The cycle of drugs and tests lasted 8 months. During that time I remember feeling strong, hopeful, like a true warrior. (For the most part) Now I am 4 months cancer free and I feel the worst out of the entire experience.

I’ve never really believed in depression. I have always been such an optimistic person that I never really understood what it feels like to cry all day, every day, and not know the reason why. The thought of me being depressed makes me depressed. Like I am completely incapable of controlling what is happening. Why can’t I just be positive and believe all of this will work itself out. It’s almost like I am punishing myself for not being 100% better. I am better (cancer free that is); everyone else believes I am better because I have completed treatment. That isn’t always the case. Cancer doesn’t end with remission; it’s always on my mind. I catch myself checking the lymph nodes in my neck on a daily basis now. My chest hurts and I get a pit in my stomach. I wake up sweating and the first thing I am asking Ashley is if she was sweating last night. Every night I have these vivid dreams that I wake up and the cancer is back. I don’t want to sleep because I don’t know what subconscious thoughts are going to haunt my dreams that night. I haven’t eaten because food makes me nauseous. I’ve spend more time crying in the last few weeks than I think I ever have in my entire life. From the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep if I’m not balling I’m doing my best to choke back the tears. Sometimes there is not even a reason I’m crying, it’s like this uncontrollable behavior that just happens. A lot of the time I cry because I’m talking to these people at that just want to be miserable. But I won’t even get into that.

I just want to feel like I have a purpose. I’ve spent the last 5 years with this dream of getting into the banking industry, and now that I have finally got my foot in the door it’s nothing that I expected. It’s like everything I have worked for and dreamed about is just shattered. I’m sure that has something to do with the way cancer has changed me as a person. Even if I wasn’t in collections, I no longer want to work for a big bank, or a big company for that matter. I just want to help other people, specifically people dealing with cancer. Right now I feel so unstable that it’s probably not possible. All I want is to feel happiness, feel whole again. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel I am in. I’m tired of the darkness. I’m determined to one day be 100% better, I suppose that time just hasn’t arrived yet.