The Day My Life Changed Forever

I found this entry folded up inside my journal, I must have quickly wrote it down one day I didn't have my journal. But this entry definitely should have been posted a LONG time ago.

I remember sitting on that uncomfortable “bed,” if that is what you want to call it. The one they “sterilize” with the crunchy white paper they can discard after your butt leaves. My mom was next to me in a chair, Dahel standing beside her cramped in a corner, and my dad was crunched in another corner of the room in a chair. Everyone was engaged in a completely unusual conversation I am sure. The one where you know you’re about to get some kind of bad news, but we have to keep talking so a butcher knife doesn’t cut the dread of silence for the impending results. I couldn’t even tell you what we were talking about, that doesn’t matter as it serves no purpose in this story. I remember feeling like I was going to puke. Everything runs through your head at a million miles per hour. All the tests that have been done, all the internet research, which let me tell you, can make a person go crazy. Only Google and other internet research sites can turn a symptom into an impending death. I felt like we had been in that room for hours waiting on the doctor to come in, and all I could think about was how fucking hot it was. Right before the doctor came in I remember thinking, “okay, I’m having some kind of surgery, I’m 24 and cancer just isn’t a possibility.” It really was the last thing I thought it could be.

The door opened, a gust of cold air came into the room, the walls returned to their normal places, and an ear piercing silence came over the room.

“Hello Samantha… I’ve got the best bad news I can give you.” I’m sure the dumbfounded look on my face was clear for everyone to see. What does that even mean!?

“Well the good news is you’re not going to need surgery, the bad news is you have Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, or cancer. The other good news is it’s not “non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma” so it’s curable.

I recall immediately saying “I’m going to lose my hair!” Honestly no one wants to sit in a room full of parents were everyone wants to cry and is trying to hold it together until I’m not around anymore. Laughter had to be the cure. I really don’t remember anything after that, so hopefully my family was listening to the next steps in the process. I just felt numb and mentally checked out. I remember very little thoughts for the rest of that day. I went to work and all the warehouse guys were sitting on the steps smoking.

“Did you get your test results?” they were all dying to know every day I came in.

“Yup, I have cancer.” And I shrugged my shoulders and walked into the building. Who does that!? I honestly had no idea how that just calmly came out of my mouth. Okay maybe I do, everyone knows it’s awkward for a girl to just start balling in front of 4 dudes that you’re really not that close to. I guess at that point my body and mind just went on Auto-Pilate.

It took me 24 hours before I lost it and just balled my eyes out.

The emotions are the hardest part. To this day they still are the hardest part of this stupid disease and my recovery.