Dear Grandma, August,
13th 2013
I miss
you so much. I’ve been having a really hard time lately, trying to learn this “new
normal” as other survivors call it. I wish you were here so I could talk to you
and ask how you did it? You made it through breast cancer and returned back to “normalcy”
or at least learned how to cope with your “new normal” before getting lung
cancer years later. I wish I knew how you did it. I wish you weren’t taken away
from me, so you would be here to help me get through this. Help me learn how to
deal with the “new me.” I don’t feel the same; I feel more anxiety each day
than I can cope with. The people around me only know to say “just think
positive, it won’t come back, have faith.” How could I ever believe that? You
had cancer twice grandma, you beat it once and years later it came back and
took you from me. How can I not think about that? How am I supposed to just sit
back and enjoy life and have faith, when having faith didn’t save you a second time?
How did you deal with the everyday pains, without just wanting to take pain
pills until your numb? Why didn’t you leave me your strength and will power?
Right now I feel weak and pathetic. You are the one person that I know would be
able to help me through this, and you’re the one person I can’t just call up
and let my tears flow. People don’t understand that I’m not just all better.
Yeah my body doesn’t have any cancer running through it. Now I must battle the
emotional after math of the roller coaster ride my life was put through. I have
scar tissue sitting in my chest cavity that causes pain daily, but “it’s just
scar tissue, it will eventually subside with time,” says the doctor. Well how
much time doctor, because waking up in the middle of the night thinking that I
am dying is not comforting that I am still in remission. When will the pain in
my legs and cramping in my feet go away? Did you have any of these symptoms Grandma?
God I wish you could just answer me. I just want one phone call so you can tell
me this will all be okay. I just want to hear your voice tell me I am strong
enough to keep going and get through this. I want you to tell me to cut the
crap out with wanting to feel numb. I know you would tell me that feeling sorry
for myself will not fix anything. I need to hear it from you; I wish I could
hear it from you. I’d give anything just to have one good conversation with
you. By time I get that chance I will already know the answers because I will
have fought my way out of this sink hole I am in. I hope my wishes and prayers
reach you in the afterlife grandma. Sending kisses and hugs. Xoxoxo. I love
you.
I also had lymphoma which is in remission. :)) my scar tissue is mostly in my legs. Now I'm dealing with lymphodema in my legs. Stay strong, but cry when you need to. One thing you might consider is having a massage weekly, it really helps both physically and mentally.
ReplyDeleteThat made me cry. The fact that your grandmother had it come back - years later - that's so scary for us. I know how you feel about the pain, too. My back hurts non-stop. They said, "Go to a pain management doctor." I'm so tired of being in pain. Thanks for sharing from your heart.
ReplyDeleteEllen