November 2nd 2012
Today I really had the most disappointing
experience at the unemployment office. Not that any experience in that building
would be exciting or good, that’s beside the point. I had to be there at 9:00am
for an orientation that is mandatory to even have them consider your claim. I
walked in the door at 8:59am. Yes, I was running way late this morning, but
never the less I still was inside the door before 9am. So I wasn’t late. The
security guard asks if he can help me, I show him my letter and he tells me to
have a seat on a certain side of the office. I didn’t sign in which worried me
because everyone else that was coming in was being signed in. As I begin to go
find a seat the guard points to my water bottle I had in my hand, and says “you
can’t have that in here, you can put it away in your bag.” I looked at him, I’m
sure dumbfounded, and said, “my water!?” So apparently water or any drinks are
not allowed in the unemployment office. So I put my water in my bag and sat
down to wait. At about 10 after 9 I decided to make sure I wasn’t suppose to
sign in and the lady tells me that the class has already started, and rudely
added, “Your suppose to be here at 9.” So I quickly responded with, “I was here
at 8:59 and YOUR security guard told me to just have a seat.” So after the
guard and the lady at the desk bickered for a minute about who announced the
class and at what time it was announced, they finally let (the 4 of us) into
the class. So they crammed 4 more chairs into a room that was already packed
full. I’d say there were about 15 people sitting in a room equivalent to an
apartment kitchen in size. 30 minutes into this orientation I felt like I was
going to pass out because it was so hot in there. And I was forbidden to drink
my water!
Side note to the point of this story: There was a
talkative “know it all” in the class. Now we all know about this girl’s age,
husband, aunt, dad, and grandfather. I was so close to telling her that no one
cared, just get to the point of your story! (And she had a story for EVERY new
topic the instructor started talking about.) But I refrained for taking my bad
mood out on an innocent bystander.
Anyway, after enduring an hour of information I
already knew, since I have a degree in human resources, we finally were
released. Ironically on my way out the door I see a water fountain by the
bathrooms. Well at least they don’t just dehydrate the people coming through
there. But seriously, not everyone can just freely use a germy public water
fountain. Like a cancer patient. I would prefer to stay out of the hospital.
I don’t know why I am so hyped up over a water
fountain. I guess today just got to me. I am tired of feeling sick and I just
can’t seem to feel better. Unemployment has added so much extra stress to all
this mess. I really don’t want to deal with it. In order to get my benefits I
have to actively seek full time work, not all my job searches can be online
either. I just feel like it is going to be discouraging. Even if I do get an
interview, I’m sure they won’t be jumping to hire the cancer patient. I don’t need
anything else in my life to add more discouragement. I have enough days of that
following my treatments.
I already feel terrible enough that I am not being
my strong, grateful self right now. I see all these posts on Facebook about
what people are thankful for each day of November. I feel like I should be participating
in that and not feeling so damn shitty about all the crap going on. I always preach
that there always has to be something good to be grateful for. I know it’s
there; I just can’t get the good thoughts to outweigh all the stressful and bad
thoughts at the moment. It is so exhausting to fight for life, and then to have
to fight for stability, the roof over my head, and food, to survive in life.
Sometimes I wonder if I really am strong enough to handle this. I already know
what it is like to struggle for basic living life, I’ve done it since I was 18
(remembering those days when I thought I knew what was best for me, and disregarded
any words my mother offered.) What I don’t get is why it is necessary that I
have to struggle threw 2 forms of “life” at the same time?
I know this isn’t the Sam any of you want to see,
as any other human being I am going to have good days and bad days. This is why
I have my friends, family, and followers to push me through. The same way all
of my “cancer buddies” pick me up when I just feel like giving in. I’ll find
the strong one soon enough. She is here somewhere under all this chemotherapy
hell.
